Connecting the dots?

Blogging- I write this craziness down so I can look back someday and see where I have walked. Maybe it helps some people along the way. I am not sure but it is funny how we like to glance into other peoples lives and see what that they are living in.  I tend to blog a bit more when my plate is full and my patience is at its limit.

One of the things that is most difficult about Maks is his ODD. Which is Obstinate Defiant Disorder. I do know that labels are not always good but there is no other explanation for how he perceives life. He disagrees with everything that everyone says-- yes you heard correctly-- EVERYTHING that EVERYONE says!! It makes life funny for my husband who is quick witted and can run circles around Maks. It makes life annoying for me. Scott is now pointing out the fact that he disagrees with everything but you guessed it--"no I don't" --- haha. Life with our former orphan is a very, very, very, very slow process. Scott says its like he has dots on a page and cannot connect any of them. So maybe he catches some things and maybe not -- only time will tell.....

If you don't think we are crazy enough after we adopted Maks we then added a young boy that is a senior in high school to our house. Jacob's parents also failed him - mother on drugs and father in prison but he is an exceptional young man.  Jacob will be leaving in July to join the Air Force Academy on a football scholarship. Wow- that is very impressive and it was fun to have "Blindside" moments as the different coaches came to recruit him. What a blessing he has been to Maks this year. Having another boy in the house-- one that has manners and is appreciative surely will have somewhat of an impact on my boy. Maks has really bad table manners. So it makes me smile when Jacob shows him how to eat and how to be polite. When 6 foot 4 --250 lb Jacob tells him he eats like a neanderthal maybe a dot or two connect??? Just maybe.... 

Football career over for now....

We went and talked to the coach who is a great guy and gets kids from hard places as our school is more "inner city"- great school but we do have some minorities and thus some of the kids are more in the needy section. I think this makes for a great school as there is not much for heirs or keeping up with the "rich" kids. Anyway, we talked to the coach first and explained this kid to him as best as we could. We are pretty certain that he will be respectful to the coaches but like the coach explained- if you are going to wear the Central jersey you have to be respectful all the time-be nice and come to practice ready to work-- "Maks- are you sure you want to play football" - very quiet- "yes". So here comes the best part -- as we know this child and he has never had to follow through with anything and money really means nothing to him the coach tells us that there are used  cleats in the back and I jump on that. Maks says he can just get new cleats and we ignore him and head back to the used cleats. I know that he probably won't make it in football cause he is just not ready so I really don't want to put forth money again- trying to learn from our mistakes- just to have him tell us he is not going.

We are driving home from this meeting and he asks to go to Walmart. Scott says why- cause I need bike inner tubes for my bike and you have my $10.00. Scott explains again that his tires have holes in them and that the inner tubes will just pop and you don't have enough money to buy tires because you spent all of your money on other things instead of buying tires like I told you.  Maks blows up and they exchange a few more words and he ends up telling Scott to shut up and walks off to go get the cigarette butts that he smokes.

So at the dinner table I ask him what he thought of what the coach said- he asked "what" and I asked him to remember what the coach said about being nice and he reacts- "I am nice" I said well when you tell us to shut up that is not nice and you need to apologize and say that you are sorry. He proceeds to tell us he is not ever going to say he is sorry and I kinda lose it and say that I will not be paying for football. "Fine- I won't play football."

So his football career lasted 2 hours- so glad we got the cleats for free:) 

How to make it?

I have to be honest and say that given a chance to redo the adoption....I am not sure that I would do this..... There I said it and its not easy for me to admit that I have these thoughts much less to write them down. It is selfish of me to want my life to be normal again... to not to have to put up with a disgruntled child all the time.... its not his fault that he was left and abandoned and that he has no clue how to act and we have no clue as to how to help him. We will continue trying because he is a soul and God loves him and we are honoring what was asked of us but it is not easy. I do know in my heart that we did the right thing but in all honesty I feel like it shouldn't be this hard.... I get jealous of the families that are making it and don't seem to have the daily issues that we have. I use to say that I was sure Maks felt like we had somehow tricked him into coming over here... now I can say that sometimes I feel tricked. We were not living real life at all during hosting and he does great outside of daily life.....but its the daily grind that makes him so dysregulated and hard to handle.

We have a meeting with the football coach this afternoon. He still seems to want to play but I am not sure if he can actually handle the rigor and structure and have to ask me to help him. He is literally a 5 year old in a 15 year old body.

Football???

I had a nice vacation with my middle child and two of her friends. I read the Hunger Games Trilogy and had a relaxing week. Maks went to my mom's for the week and did very well. He made good choices and had a fun week with her.

He still doesn't talk to me or ask me anything. He will answer my questions - not nicely - but at least I get an answer.

He told Scott the other day that he wants to play football. He had heard me answer Courtney one time when I told her that you have to have passing grades in order to play high school sports and he told Scott that he was passing his classes now. ( that's debatable but let's just give him the benefit of that) Anyway, he would like to play football. We both think this is great and we will see how it goes.  He has ALOT of changes that he will have to make in order for this to work but maybe it will be a motivating factor for him. I am a stay at home mom for the most part and Scott works A TON!! So in our family I am in charge of the kids and scheduling rides and pick ups. It should be interesting to see if he will want to communicate with me since that's the only way he will be able to play football- or like Scott said he could ride his bike. We live about 3-4 miles from his high school/middle school (and he has walked home a couple of times when he was really ugly to me and I told him to get out) It's not impossible to do but considering the times of the days and the everyday factor of football and the mere fact that during summer it gets upward of 90-100 degrees here - well like I said it should be interesting.

He still has to be the tough guy and he still misses out on alot of stuff but he has connected a couple of dots so that's a start:) I love the fact that there are just natural consequences in life and for the most part he has never had those experiences and he is one of those kids that has to learn the hard way. For instance, If you skid on your bike- the tire will wear down- when the tire wears down you need to buy a new tire but if you spend all of your money on candy then you don't have a tire and you have to walk....

Wonder

We decided to open our house to an orphan 3 years ago in March 2009. We were just going to host a child for the summer. The organization said that it is good for the kids to see what a family is like and to come to America. It seemed like a great idea and something that would be good for my kids to experience. We met some people during the hosting orientation and they were super excited and were talking about adoption already..... ADOPTION??? and you haven't even met the child. We were blown away by this prospect and never had any intention to adopt- much less an older boy. As the children arrived our friends met their host daughter and we met Maksim. He was very timid at first but came around quickly laughing and playing and seemed to love it over here. Our friends on the other hand were going through hell. Their host daughter  was mean to the other children in the house, pulling knives, unhappy and the list goes on. About two and a half weeks into hosting they had to have their child transferred to another home and their dreams for adoption and to have a girl were dashed.

We finished up the hosting program and put Maksim back on the plane to the Ukraine. We were still not too sure about what would come next. We sat down and talked as a family and consulted many family members and friends before making the decision that this was a path that we were going to head down. 

We started the process and were halted about 2 months in as he was not registered in the Ukraine and therefore could not be adopted. The facilitators eventually got him registered and the one year wait began. We hosted him three more times and each time he was pleasant and kind. The last time we also hosted one of his roommates and that was more of a nightmare for us as they ganged up on me and were ugly to the girls sometimes, but I thought that was the influence of his friend and not actually how life would be --- I wonder if these were red flags that I completely ignored? 

We have now passed year one of our adoption and I would describe it as a constant nauseous roller coaster ride for me that I can't get off. It has been the most difficult thing I have ever been asked to do. He has attached all of his pain onto me and it is hard for me to continually love this child who either acts like I don't exist or talks ugly to me. We are constantly changing things up and seeing what works but so far nothing has. We are again trying something different but I just don't know how to reach this child. Luckily, I have a family that is understanding and helpful. I am taking a respite vacation with one of my daughters in a week while my mom watches him. It is much needed by me and even though Scott can't go with us- he will be at home by himself and will be able to relax too.
We wonder what we have done??? Did we do the right thing??? Its a difficult journey for sure --so my advice to anyone considering adopting an older child--- please make sure that they want to be here and are on board 100%. I would openly discuss this option with them multiple times and make sure that this is a journey that they want to take because it is difficult even when they want to be here. 

Lead, Guide and Influence

A verse in Proverbs instructs us to raise a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it. Another translation of this verse is to raise up a child in the way he should go and when he is mature he will not depart from it. The essence lies in the meaning. Raising a child in the way he should go does not mean developing every kind of tool or technique available to try control and suppress behaviors. But rather, we are to lead, guide, and influence our children through our own example until they are mature. Once they are mature then we must trust that we have done our best to establish a foundation of love which will guide them throughout their lives. -- Bryan


I look at this and ask myself what am I doing to lead, guide and influence my children. Do I have positive emotional energy? Am I doing and acting how I should to be the person that will be the best influence on my child?  I am trying to become aware of my actions and conscious of what my body is feeling at any given time. Its a difficult journey to parent a child from a hard place. For all of you out there doing the same thing- try stopping what you are doing and take a few deep breaths the next time you find yourself getting upset- it brings oxygen back to your brain and you will be able to access your frontal lobe. Remember that the frontal lobe of your brain which is the processing part of our brain does not fully develop until we are 25. We are literally dealing with kids that don't have full brains- interesting.....

Struggles and a Party with Maks

On Saturday we had a one year anniversary party for Maks. We also included some friends that adopted a sweet girl named Alex that we were able to travel with back from the Ukraine. We had a great time with friends and family and it was nice to see him enjoying himself.
Earlier in the day I had struggled with him and in trying to figure out what my trigger was for the rudeness that he was giving me. I realized that if I go above and beyond ( like bringing him home a subway sandwich) just because --I do expect him not to be rude to me. I suppose we all like to be appreciated and for me I have become accustomed to the daily way he does life and it doesn't stop me from being kind. BUT, I do have to work through the issues I have with the sour face and backtalk when I do something out of the ordinary. So for now, I can't really do anything extra for the boy because I am not able to keep loving him anyway and I have given myself permission to be ok with where I am at right now. I told him that I am trying my best-- I asked him if he was and he said "almost" -- It is impossible to change someone - that is for God to do.
I will keep pressing on!